I'm taking a little break tonight from telling joes story to write how I'm feeling at this moment. My heart feels as if an elephant were sitting on it. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I try so hard to be happy that I'm exhausted from it. I know that God will help me if I ask, but how can I ask him to help me when I have so much anger toward Him.
I'm anger because he took away my normal healthy baby. Joseph wasn't able to enjoy being a newborn, to feel the arms of his mommy around him, he couldn't be held close when he was hurting, we didn't get to bond like we should have. I feel as if I need to grieve. But don't know for what or why.
After I start feeling angry I feel guilty because I have a beautiful son who adores me, who is so content that you could forget he's there. Not to mention a wonderful husband who loves me and 3 other children who are healthy and adore me as well. Roller coaster of emotions day in and day out. Add to that the worry, fear and stress of this next surgery. Plus all the demands of a wife and mother. No wonder I feel so exhausted all the time. This made me feel better. Thanks for reading and be back to tell joes story soon.
Hi. I found your blog on the CHERUBS Facebook page. I recently had a baby with CDH. It was undiagnosed before she was born and a blow to my whole family. I am happy to say we are so lucky to have an amazing baby who made an amazing recovery, you can read her story on my blog if you want. But the purpose of my comment is to let you know that I completely understand your need to grieve that lost time with your newborn. The whole time my daughter was in the hospital, I would just think about how it isn't supposed to be like that...that having a new baby should be happy with lots of holding, cuddling, and bonding. I hope writing out your experience helps you work through those emotions, I know it has certainly helped me. I'll be thinking of you today.
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