Update

Joseph Is doing good, he is running a low grade fever this morning. Please pray it doesn't get worse. They are going to get x-rays today, to see how his lungs are doing and if his feeding tube is in the right place. If they are pleased with how his lungs look they are going to decrease his sedation to let him wake up. I guess if they do that we will be wrestling again:) He is also very swollen, please pray that it doesn't get worse or it will get critical for him. He is peeing and pooping really well just not enough, they are going to give him just a little something to help. If all goes well they want to take him off the vent tomorrow.

I'm doing better, thank you for all your prayers and those of you who sent me text messages yesterday. They made me feel better thank you:). Although I don't feel like a great mom at times I'm trying my best. Thanks again and I will keep the updates coming:)

Not so good:(

Figured I would share the details of what has happened over the past couple of days. Tuesday Joseph woke up at 5am with low grade fever. He continued to run a slight fever over the course of the day. After his morning nap he started with a slight cough. After lunch he had about 3 spells of coughing, 2 of which made him throw up a little. His usual signs of a cold. I figured I would wait it out till the next day, before taking him in. That night he awoke every 4 hours and I gave him medicine and some fluids. Wed. took him to the dr, his dr was not there so we saw only a nurse practioner. Upper respiratory infection is what he said, I felt to that it was all it was. He did good with the drive, he had 2 short naps, we got home around 1 he had a bottle then I layer him down for a nap. He didn't want to so he played in his room, with grandma, while I went to get the boys. We got back about 330. Fed Joe a snack and he got fussy I figured he was tired, he had a coughing spell so I walked around with him until he fell asleep. About 5 I laid him in his infant seat he seemed to like sleeping in it. He also had a fever of 101 @ 5. While he was sleeping I sat watching him just didn't feel comfortable leaving him. His heart rate on the pulse ox, was high, I was debating testing my go to girl Kelly, I even made a little video of him breathing. I was trying so hard not to panick and overreact like I feel I do alot were Joseph is concerned. I told myself just give the med some time to work. So I didn't send the video or call her, wish I would have:( 510 Joseph woke up coughing, he was sounding different. I put him up to my shoulder to pat his back to help him get some stuff out. As I was reaching for my phone to call someone, he went limb. I layed him on the floor in front of me, had a moment of panick then called 911. God blessed us with a rapid response team, great team of nurses and . They did everything they could for him. If his pilot and medics had not been close to the end of there shift, we would be in Lubbock, but I believe with my heart that God intervened on our part. Joseph barely made it safely to Amarillo. Everyone here is great.

Joseph is doing good. He is fighting sedation with all his might, but he needs it because he needs to be on the vent for a few days. Right now he is asleep, hopefully he stays that way, because I hate having to wrestle with him and so does his nurse.

I on the other hand am having a battle with myself on what I should have done and could have done to prevent this.

September 14 2010

One year ago today we were hanging out in the hospital, getting the cervadil patch to soften my cervix, so the induction would move along the next day. I was able to get some rest. Honestly I didn't think about the next day as much as I thought I would. At moments I feel bad that I didn't have more feelings or emotion about what was going on. Now I believe God kept my mind at ease so I could stay healthy and strong for my precious baby Joseph.

Thought today would be better...

I hoped I would wake up this morning and feel lighther, but then you get phone calls saying your Medicaid claim was denied again for the 3rd time and it all comes rushing back. Have so much to do today and no desire:( Feel like crawling under a rock and just wait for life to get easier, but thats not going to happen so we will turn the radio on, hopefully our klove station will work and get busy. God I love you and know that there is a purpose for all this. Please help me through my struggles today. Thank you for giving me one more day with my 3 silly monkeys and my mousey. Also for giving my husband another birthday:)

Break

I'm taking a little break tonight from telling joes story to write how I'm feeling at this moment. My heart feels as if an elephant were sitting on it. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I try so hard to be happy that I'm exhausted from it. I know that God will help me if I ask, but how can I ask him to help me when I have so much anger toward Him.
I'm anger because he took away my normal healthy baby. Joseph wasn't able to enjoy being a newborn, to feel the arms of his mommy around him, he couldn't be held close when he was hurting, we didn't get to bond like we should have. I feel as if I need to grieve. But don't know for what or why.
After I start feeling angry I feel guilty because I have a beautiful son who adores me, who is so content that you could forget he's there. Not to mention a wonderful husband who loves me and 3 other children who are healthy and adore me as well. Roller coaster of emotions day in and day out. Add to that the worry, fear and stress of this next surgery. Plus all the demands of a wife and mother. No wonder I feel so exhausted all the time. This made me feel better. Thanks for reading and be back to tell joes story soon.

July 2010

This month I started feeling things I hadn't or at least couldn't remember feeling in my other pregnancy. My heart rate would go up if I was up doing things I hadn't done in awhile. Traveling too was hard. We made one trip to Amarillo to go to a bar-b-que at a salesmens house. We wanted to head to Wellington to but we were a little worried about things. So we didn't go cause I experienced contraction like pains when we arrived in Amarillo. We didn't feel like taking a chance with joseph. We figured out his name this month: Joseph Samuel:) his surgeon loved it said he needed a strong name.We also went to see a cardiologist because the ob specialist was concerned about his heart. The cardiologist said his heart looked good:) More to come:)

June 2010

June brought lots of dr visits one of which was with the surgeon that would be performing the surgery. She went over all the details with us. The only major question I had was how long would he be in the hospital. She told us minimum was one month. The last case she had was there for six weeks. So we were hopeful that ours would be that or maybe even less. It was also the month I turned 25. Spent the whole summer trying to enjoy my pregnancy, and spend time with my other 3 kiddos. We also made a trip to Wellington. Great month:)