September 14 2010

One year ago today we were hanging out in the hospital, getting the cervadil patch to soften my cervix, so the induction would move along the next day. I was able to get some rest. Honestly I didn't think about the next day as much as I thought I would. At moments I feel bad that I didn't have more feelings or emotion about what was going on. Now I believe God kept my mind at ease so I could stay healthy and strong for my precious baby Joseph.

Thought today would be better...

I hoped I would wake up this morning and feel lighther, but then you get phone calls saying your Medicaid claim was denied again for the 3rd time and it all comes rushing back. Have so much to do today and no desire:( Feel like crawling under a rock and just wait for life to get easier, but thats not going to happen so we will turn the radio on, hopefully our klove station will work and get busy. God I love you and know that there is a purpose for all this. Please help me through my struggles today. Thank you for giving me one more day with my 3 silly monkeys and my mousey. Also for giving my husband another birthday:)

Break

I'm taking a little break tonight from telling joes story to write how I'm feeling at this moment. My heart feels as if an elephant were sitting on it. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I try so hard to be happy that I'm exhausted from it. I know that God will help me if I ask, but how can I ask him to help me when I have so much anger toward Him.
I'm anger because he took away my normal healthy baby. Joseph wasn't able to enjoy being a newborn, to feel the arms of his mommy around him, he couldn't be held close when he was hurting, we didn't get to bond like we should have. I feel as if I need to grieve. But don't know for what or why.
After I start feeling angry I feel guilty because I have a beautiful son who adores me, who is so content that you could forget he's there. Not to mention a wonderful husband who loves me and 3 other children who are healthy and adore me as well. Roller coaster of emotions day in and day out. Add to that the worry, fear and stress of this next surgery. Plus all the demands of a wife and mother. No wonder I feel so exhausted all the time. This made me feel better. Thanks for reading and be back to tell joes story soon.

July 2010

This month I started feeling things I hadn't or at least couldn't remember feeling in my other pregnancy. My heart rate would go up if I was up doing things I hadn't done in awhile. Traveling too was hard. We made one trip to Amarillo to go to a bar-b-que at a salesmens house. We wanted to head to Wellington to but we were a little worried about things. So we didn't go cause I experienced contraction like pains when we arrived in Amarillo. We didn't feel like taking a chance with joseph. We figured out his name this month: Joseph Samuel:) his surgeon loved it said he needed a strong name.We also went to see a cardiologist because the ob specialist was concerned about his heart. The cardiologist said his heart looked good:) More to come:)

June 2010

June brought lots of dr visits one of which was with the surgeon that would be performing the surgery. She went over all the details with us. The only major question I had was how long would he be in the hospital. She told us minimum was one month. The last case she had was there for six weeks. So we were hopeful that ours would be that or maybe even less. It was also the month I turned 25. Spent the whole summer trying to enjoy my pregnancy, and spend time with my other 3 kiddos. We also made a trip to Wellington. Great month:)

May 26 2010

The kids spent the night at moms, so I didn't need to worry about dropping them off. We headed to Lubbock to meet the specialist. My sister in law went with, she is a nurse. All the way up there I just thought about what this all meant. So much stuff was circulating in my head. From how sick will he be to will he even make it. From why us to why not us. From did I do something to cause it, was I not careful enough. So so many questions, and not alot of answers. We arrived and got in pretty fast. Did the usual things. Then it was time for the sono. It was 3D and Joseph looked wonderful. For a second I wished it weren't true. The Dr walked in and just the vibe he gave made me not like him. He was fine just not a dr tedford. So he did his flipping thru all the pics the nurse had already done of my sweet boy. Then checked a few things for himself. Then confirmed that Joseph had congenital diaphragmatic hernia. They took some amniotic fluid to check if it was a chromosome thing. If it was there was no chance for survival. If it wasn't his survival rate was 70/30, 60/40, or 50/50 all depending on how severe it would turn out to be. Then the nurse took us to a conference room. There the dr explained how serious it looked. What exactly it was, the differant types there are. They also set up my appointment with the surgeon. So much to process. We made a few stops then headed home. Of course there always has to be icing on the cake. We had almost made it home when pastor Dave pulled us over and informed us that the back tire was fixing to blow. He tried to change the flat but didn't know how to get the tire out from under the Yukon and I had no idea if there was even a jack in it. So he escorded us to what we thought to be a tire place but wasn't anymore. But the guy was nice and checked if he had a tire that would fit. He did. So we waited for him to change out the tire. I commented to Annie that it was a day to go home and cry my eyes out. She replied what for. That stunk:( she said we were blessed that pastor Dave had seen us and God would take care of us. I knew all of that but you still want to cry. The next day was isaiahs b-day we went to midland to mr gattis. It was a blast. Isaiah loved it. Afterward we went to moms for cake, batman of course. More to come.

May 2010:(

May had come and all,from my point of view anyway, was moving along great. I felt good, just very restless. We had an appointment with dr tedford and he was pleased by the heartbeat and how I measured. He ordered another sono which got scheduled for the 20. She made a few comments and the way she said them gave me the feeling all was not right. So I called the drs everyday to see if he had looked at it. Answer was always the same call back tomorrow. Finally on the 25 the nurse told me just come in and make him take the time to look at it. Mom was busy so I asked nancy to watch the kids for me and headed to brownfield. The way he walked into that room that day was so different then usual I just knew something was wrong. He said the baby has diaphragmatic hernia. This is when your diaphragm doesn't form properly. It's made to keep your digestive organs and chest organs separate. He told me to stay positive it could be wrong one never knows. But I knew, I tried to think maybe it wasn't so, but deep down I knew. They set up an appointment with dr Hales for the next day. I went to nancy's shared the news and got my kids and went home. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring.