Joseph's first Christmas sorta:)

We have spent the last 3 days doing nothing but enjoying ourselves and hanging out in our pj's:) of course i still have to cook and clean, but i have not minded. I feel so much better when i can stay on top of the cleaning. The cooking i could do without, but then we would starve or worse have to eat alsup's burritos, which are ok every now and then, cause eating anywhere else costs almost an arm and a leg these days, with the boys growing so fast:( Enough jibberish on with the fun stuff:):):):):):)

Isaiah's favorite line all weekend was " this is the best Christmas" i'm pretty sure he will be saying it next year as well;) We got him an optimus prime jetfire transformer, a lego ninjago dragon set, and a batman bat wing for there ever expanding collection of batman toys. We had the kids draw names this year and chloe bought him a obi one knobe lightsaber. He has been playing with one after another:) They kept asking to go to grandma's:(

Zachery, not as enthusiastic as Isaiah, but still excited:) We got him a transformer firestation house, a lego ninjago skull truck, and a darth vade lightsaber. Joseph (aka: Mommy) got him a bumblebee to go with said station and r2d2 and the gold guy (as zack refers to him) to expand there star wars collection they will soon have:)

Chloe has been watching christmas cartoons alot lately, so she is all about santa. Tonight she approached me and said" santas not coming cause there's no snow:(" then as she was laying down to sleep, she threw this out there " santas going to bring us more presents" Never a dull moment with that girl:) She got a kitchen with 101 pieces of food, a shopping cart, and a pack of play-doh. She runs around with her shopping cart and yells, " going shopping cart, going shopping cart," like i said never a dull moment:) Zachery got her a strawberry shortcake treehouse, while she was opening it, he informed her he had wanted to get her a lalaloopzy one, but it had been to much money. She copied isaiah's saying  alot:)

Joseph got to celebrate Christmas as it should always be celebrated, at home and not in a hospital:) For that i'am very thankful. Of course he is still little, so he didn't dig in and tare open any gifts, but sat, chewing on his paci, as the boys very enthusiastically tore them open. He got an activity walker, a fisher price lil' zoomers, which his older siblings have really enjoyed, and a leapfrog drum. Isaiah got him a hippo that tips over and drops out balls, which is his favorite so far:)

Wonderful Christmas:)

Busy, Busy, Busy!!!!!

Joseph has been in and out of the hospital for the past month:( Which makes for a TOTAL(brace yourself) Almost 9 months altogether:( So this week as i was getting the house ready for Christmas and amidst all the dr and therapy appointments. I have been enjoying the cleaning and chaos of our everyday life:) Because they are so much more fun then sitting in a hospital room. I'm trying my best to let things go that people are having a hard time understanding. So i'm going to vent a little bit, if i upset anyone, i'm sorry it is not my intention, i'm just having a hard time crasping why it can't be left alone that we aren't coming to seminole for Christmas. It is very hard on us not being able to be with family, especially at this time. We miss everyone and Love all of You!!! I don't want Joseph to get sick, he has been battling something for the pass 6 weeks and is finally his happy self again. I know he can get sick here as well as there, but the difference is here he only gets out of the house for dr visits and only if the weather is decent, to get there we have to take him out in freezing cold air which irriates his lung diesease, he's already wheezing a tiny bit by just getting out for yesterdays visit. So PLEASE stop asking us to come our mind is made up!!!! and you just make it so much harder on us by not letting it be. If you want to see us so bad come visit us, we would be glad to have you. Be thankful for your healthy kids each and every day!!! I know i'am, because it is very hard when they are not:( Merry Christmas and have a blessed and happy new year:)

I'm going to be enjoying some much needed quality time with my kids, after all 9 months of the past year they haven't had a mommy and also some time with my hunny who also has been without a wife:(

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Happy Thanksgiving:)

Happy Thanksgiving:) lots to be thankful for, God, health, husband, kids, family and friends:) Had hoped to be home by now, but it is right around the corner. Many of you know that Joseph went to surgery( number 7) on Monday. Well he had a Nissen fundo, which is where they wrap the top of his stomach around his esphagus. They also put back his Mickey button:( He also had a hernia in his private area, so he had that fixed too. He did good, very little scar tissue, which has made for a speedy recovery. He is up to full feeds:) they have also taken off his oxygen:):)Praying it will be for good this time, it's been off since 4 yesterday, but we will see. Last time it lasted for 24 hours:/

Thank you Lord for giving us Joseph he has taught us so much in his short little life. Not only in our physical life but our spiritual life as well. For my wonderful husband who has done an excellent job of holding down the fort. For my mommy who has been there for us so much. For the health of all our children, Joseph has his issues but you have always healed him for us. For drs, nurses, paramedics, flight for life and fast responders. If it wasn't for God and all those people, Joseph wouldn't be with us today. For Your constant watchful eye over us and always knowing what we need. You have blessed us so much, and we are so grateful for everything. Thank you:)

Have a happy thanksgiving:) Eat some turkey and fixin's for me:)

Wednesday November 16, 2011

Sorry these are getting so spaced out, but it's been hectic this week. First let me say Joseph is doing good and looks great on the outside. But the inside of him has some issues that need to be fixed. I already shared about his swallow study, and all that followed it. So a few of the drs that have helped out with josephs care were concerned that he might have reflux. That lead to them doing a test yesterday to see if that was the case. Brokenhearted I have to tell you he does reflux a lot, i will bluntly tell you as his dr told me, this could kill him if we don't fix it. Monday afternoon Joseph is going in for his 7th surgery of his short little life. They are either wrapping his stomach 270 degrees or using some type of patch like thing to wrap around the bottom part of his esphagus. He will also get his Mickey button placed back in and will have it for an indefinite amount of time.

This breaks my heart:')

Lord you have plans for this boy that I cannot see, I only ask that Your will be done, and not mine. I give him to you with my whole heart, He is yours forever but ours only for a moment. I thank You so much for letting us have him, he is such a sweet boy and he has touched so many lives already. Your will be done, I surrender him to you.

Monday November 14, 2011

Joseph had his swallow study today. He didn't pass:( he did good enough that he doesn't need the g tube put back in, but the dr thinks it would be better for Joe to by pass his throat area. So he keeps the tube down his nose for now and they will reevaluate him in 6 weeks. If he is still doing what he is doing now g tube goes back in. All though this isn't good we finally might have an answer as to why he still needs to be on oxygen. So a little helpful but not what we wanted to hear. Hoping to be able to go home at the end of this week or over the weekend guess we wait and see what else happens this week. The dr wants him off one more med before he can be sent home, if all goes well he should be off it by Thursday or Friday. If not I think I'm going to go home for the weekend if he's not so I can be home for zacherys birthday on the 21.

Sorry it's taken so long

Joseph had a rough start to this week. But he is doing so good now. He is driving me a little crazy and he frustrates me beyond words cause he's not going to sleep as easily as he did at home. He thinks everytime I come close I'm going to pick him up, and I would if it helped but it doesn't he throws fits constantly doesn't matter what I do. Other then that he is very happy and playful, getting back to his normal, all though a bit more angry, then before but I'm hoping once he's off all the meds and at home, where nobody messes with him constantly, he will be back to his happy self. Hoping to get more then 5 hours of sleep tonight and ready to spend a little alone time with my hunny tomorrow;) It feels like forever since we have been alone. It does make me sad that I won't get to spend a whole lot of time with my kiddos, but our marriage needs a little tlc too. Balancing all this is sssoooooooo hard:( Ready to be home, praying it will be soon!!!!

Monday November 7, 2011

Had some beautiful rain this morning:) Joseph is being a stubborn boy. Or should I say his lungs are stubborn, his left lung still looks real bad, his right has improved. He is on what they call high flow oxygen @ 4 liters with 40% oxygen. Until he gets off the high flow we cant start bottle feeding:( He also needs to be on lower doses of his methadone, adivan, and clonadine so all his muscles are nice and awake. So hopefully before December we can be home. Miss my home, kids, husband, mommy and just our everyday routine. But the end is in sight and that makes me happy, a little anyway.

:( :) :( :)

Joseph woke up this morning with very bad wheezing, and very upset. But after he had 2 breathing treatments and all three of his medications, he is doing and sounding alot better. His body has gotten so use to his medicines that if he doesn't get them on a schedule he withdraws very badly, causing him to get upset and have a hard time breathing cause his throat is swollen from the tube. They are completing his antibiotics today, giving him a steroid for the swelling, and just keep him comfortable. He is loving his paci, so hopefully he will be excited about his bottle:) The dr said one more week, but we shall see what Joseph has to say about that. Really wish it would be sooner, but if Joe needs more time we will just have to wait until he is ready.

Best Day In Weeks:):):)

JOSEPH IS OFF THE VENT:):):):):) he is doing wonderful, I got to hold him for a little while. He's not feeling hundred percent yet but he is getting there.

Momma is ecstatic:) Feels so good to see that sweet smile:) Ready to hear his voice again but he's getting there:) Thanks for the prayers everyone:)

:):):):):):):):)

Joseph is doing great:) they have the vent set so he has to do all the work, but takes over when he gets to tired. He is playful and happy. Can't wait to hear him talk and laugh, miss that so much already. I got to get out today with Lisa and Lindsey Wilhelm from Wellington:) Went to lunch at logans and later on went to walmart. Got Joseph some bottles and a pacifier, hopefully he will use them soon.

Monday October 31 2011

Can't believe it's the last day in October. Sorry about not updating in awhile was busy enjoying my husband, mom, and kids. Joseph keeps improving everyday:) They have went way low on his sedation, he opens his eyes, kicks his legs, covers his face with his hands. He still sleeps most of the day, but I can see his little personality come out when he's awake:) The dr is doing a continues wean, going down one number every 12 hours. Once he gets to about 10 or 12 he can get off the vent, which will be either Thursday or Friday. As long as Joseph allows it. He is doing really good.

I'am still really restless and missing my kids, husband, momma and just being at home doing our regular routine. But hopefully soon we will be able to go home. Hopefully we can isolate Joseph enough that this won't happen again this winter.

Friday October 28 2011

We have been in the hospital for a week already. They took Joseph off his paralytic, so he is moving around:) He also opened his eyes today:) hadn't seen those beautiful blue eyes since last week Thursday:) He is looking so much better today, his dr started doing continueous weans on his vent. Pray that joseph will allow it. He is enjoying being able to move and I catch him glancing around trying to figure out where he is. They are still giving him sedation medicines just to keep him comfortable and keep his tubes in.

Feel such relief just being able to see his eyes, even if they look glazy from his medicines. It's Friday and hopefully my husband and kiddos can come up again for the weekend.

Wednesday October 27 2011

Joseph thinks that 2 days in a row of behaving is enough. Which he hasn't done anything really bad today, just didn't let the dr wean the vent. But he is trying again, hopefully Joseph will behave this time. He is not digesting his food all the way, but his dr wants to push forward, as long as he allows them too. Which is good because the alternative is trying for a central line or an iv, which is extremely difficult on him. Joseph will wiggle his shoulders just a tiny bit when touched. No big movements and no opening his eyes. His right lung is looking alot better, but his left is still looking very full of stuff.

Still very restless, but sure am loving the weather.

Wednesday October 26 2011

More food, less paralytic, lower settings on vent. No more iv fluids. Making slow progress, better then staying the same.

Me: Very restless, Missin home, Missin josephs smiles, thankful that my sweet boy is still with me and soon we will be home again:) Thank you Lord for the wonderful blessings:)

Tuesday October 25 2011

He is better then yesterday:) Vent settings are down and feedings are up. Giving him medicine to get rid of his extra fluid, so his puffiness will go down. Some of you have asked if this is going to affect him when he gets home: yes it will he will be on breathing treatments and need higher levels of oxygen. Dr said it would be worse for awhile before it would get better.

Happy Birthday to my princess:) I wish I could be home to bake her a cake and just love on her. But we will get there yet:) Cannot believe she is 3 already, the time just goes so fast. Thank you Lord for everything:) You are just such a wonderful provider:)

Monday October 24 2011

Alright here we go: Joseph nutrition wise he is doing good. The dr wants his TPN taken away and push his feeds through his gut more, as much as he tolerates. They have started him on a blood transfusion. They started him on some more sedation and a paralytic to keep him calm. He was to borderline with his comfort. His lungs have developed ARDS which means they have become very sick and have alot of damage in them. He will be here for weeks, because treatment is vent and letting them heal themselves. Dr said his patch should be ok as long as his lungs stay stiff. If they become soft and there is to much pressure it might open. If he develops a need for something they can't provide for him here he will be transported to a hospital that has it. Prayers are much appreciated.

I'm sad:( I miss home and our usual routine of things, but I know Joseph needs me here with him and the others are in good hands. Just miss his sweet face so much:( Thank you Lord for the staff here they are wonderful. Thank you also for the many blessings in our lives and please make my Joseph better I miss him so much. Last year was hard but nothing compares to the pain I feel now.

Update 3

Joseph had a bad start yesterday. His iv went out, his stomach was swollen, his lungs sounded worse and he was running a fever. He seemed to get worse as the day progressed. Lunchtime the drs wanted to put in a central line, with that they gave a new sedation med that Joseph really liked. He did alot better in the afternoon and in the evening. Hoping he had a really good night. Post a second update if I get a chance once we go see him and talk with his nurse and drs.

He gave me quite a scare yesterday, but God answered our prayers and I'm so very thankful to Him for the answer He gave this time. I know one of these days it might not be the answer I want but at least my sweet sweet boy wouldn't have to hurt so much anymore. God is good and his will be done.

Update #2

Well we had hoped to get off the vent today, but josephs co2 is to high so they are having to go up on his rates instead of down. He is still swollen but not as much. His stomach was puffed out this morning so they but an ng tube down the left side of his nose. He has a tube down to his intestine on the right side. Then a tube down his throat. He hasn't opened his eyes since Thursday night.

Can't even explain how much this hurts, I want my sweet happy baby back. This brings back so many memories. Miss my family, can't wait to see them later today.

Update

Joseph Is doing good, he is running a low grade fever this morning. Please pray it doesn't get worse. They are going to get x-rays today, to see how his lungs are doing and if his feeding tube is in the right place. If they are pleased with how his lungs look they are going to decrease his sedation to let him wake up. I guess if they do that we will be wrestling again:) He is also very swollen, please pray that it doesn't get worse or it will get critical for him. He is peeing and pooping really well just not enough, they are going to give him just a little something to help. If all goes well they want to take him off the vent tomorrow.

I'm doing better, thank you for all your prayers and those of you who sent me text messages yesterday. They made me feel better thank you:). Although I don't feel like a great mom at times I'm trying my best. Thanks again and I will keep the updates coming:)

Not so good:(

Figured I would share the details of what has happened over the past couple of days. Tuesday Joseph woke up at 5am with low grade fever. He continued to run a slight fever over the course of the day. After his morning nap he started with a slight cough. After lunch he had about 3 spells of coughing, 2 of which made him throw up a little. His usual signs of a cold. I figured I would wait it out till the next day, before taking him in. That night he awoke every 4 hours and I gave him medicine and some fluids. Wed. took him to the dr, his dr was not there so we saw only a nurse practioner. Upper respiratory infection is what he said, I felt to that it was all it was. He did good with the drive, he had 2 short naps, we got home around 1 he had a bottle then I layer him down for a nap. He didn't want to so he played in his room, with grandma, while I went to get the boys. We got back about 330. Fed Joe a snack and he got fussy I figured he was tired, he had a coughing spell so I walked around with him until he fell asleep. About 5 I laid him in his infant seat he seemed to like sleeping in it. He also had a fever of 101 @ 5. While he was sleeping I sat watching him just didn't feel comfortable leaving him. His heart rate on the pulse ox, was high, I was debating testing my go to girl Kelly, I even made a little video of him breathing. I was trying so hard not to panick and overreact like I feel I do alot were Joseph is concerned. I told myself just give the med some time to work. So I didn't send the video or call her, wish I would have:( 510 Joseph woke up coughing, he was sounding different. I put him up to my shoulder to pat his back to help him get some stuff out. As I was reaching for my phone to call someone, he went limb. I layed him on the floor in front of me, had a moment of panick then called 911. God blessed us with a rapid response team, great team of nurses and . They did everything they could for him. If his pilot and medics had not been close to the end of there shift, we would be in Lubbock, but I believe with my heart that God intervened on our part. Joseph barely made it safely to Amarillo. Everyone here is great.

Joseph is doing good. He is fighting sedation with all his might, but he needs it because he needs to be on the vent for a few days. Right now he is asleep, hopefully he stays that way, because I hate having to wrestle with him and so does his nurse.

I on the other hand am having a battle with myself on what I should have done and could have done to prevent this.

September 14 2010

One year ago today we were hanging out in the hospital, getting the cervadil patch to soften my cervix, so the induction would move along the next day. I was able to get some rest. Honestly I didn't think about the next day as much as I thought I would. At moments I feel bad that I didn't have more feelings or emotion about what was going on. Now I believe God kept my mind at ease so I could stay healthy and strong for my precious baby Joseph.

Thought today would be better...

I hoped I would wake up this morning and feel lighther, but then you get phone calls saying your Medicaid claim was denied again for the 3rd time and it all comes rushing back. Have so much to do today and no desire:( Feel like crawling under a rock and just wait for life to get easier, but thats not going to happen so we will turn the radio on, hopefully our klove station will work and get busy. God I love you and know that there is a purpose for all this. Please help me through my struggles today. Thank you for giving me one more day with my 3 silly monkeys and my mousey. Also for giving my husband another birthday:)

Break

I'm taking a little break tonight from telling joes story to write how I'm feeling at this moment. My heart feels as if an elephant were sitting on it. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I try so hard to be happy that I'm exhausted from it. I know that God will help me if I ask, but how can I ask him to help me when I have so much anger toward Him.
I'm anger because he took away my normal healthy baby. Joseph wasn't able to enjoy being a newborn, to feel the arms of his mommy around him, he couldn't be held close when he was hurting, we didn't get to bond like we should have. I feel as if I need to grieve. But don't know for what or why.
After I start feeling angry I feel guilty because I have a beautiful son who adores me, who is so content that you could forget he's there. Not to mention a wonderful husband who loves me and 3 other children who are healthy and adore me as well. Roller coaster of emotions day in and day out. Add to that the worry, fear and stress of this next surgery. Plus all the demands of a wife and mother. No wonder I feel so exhausted all the time. This made me feel better. Thanks for reading and be back to tell joes story soon.

July 2010

This month I started feeling things I hadn't or at least couldn't remember feeling in my other pregnancy. My heart rate would go up if I was up doing things I hadn't done in awhile. Traveling too was hard. We made one trip to Amarillo to go to a bar-b-que at a salesmens house. We wanted to head to Wellington to but we were a little worried about things. So we didn't go cause I experienced contraction like pains when we arrived in Amarillo. We didn't feel like taking a chance with joseph. We figured out his name this month: Joseph Samuel:) his surgeon loved it said he needed a strong name.We also went to see a cardiologist because the ob specialist was concerned about his heart. The cardiologist said his heart looked good:) More to come:)

June 2010

June brought lots of dr visits one of which was with the surgeon that would be performing the surgery. She went over all the details with us. The only major question I had was how long would he be in the hospital. She told us minimum was one month. The last case she had was there for six weeks. So we were hopeful that ours would be that or maybe even less. It was also the month I turned 25. Spent the whole summer trying to enjoy my pregnancy, and spend time with my other 3 kiddos. We also made a trip to Wellington. Great month:)

May 26 2010

The kids spent the night at moms, so I didn't need to worry about dropping them off. We headed to Lubbock to meet the specialist. My sister in law went with, she is a nurse. All the way up there I just thought about what this all meant. So much stuff was circulating in my head. From how sick will he be to will he even make it. From why us to why not us. From did I do something to cause it, was I not careful enough. So so many questions, and not alot of answers. We arrived and got in pretty fast. Did the usual things. Then it was time for the sono. It was 3D and Joseph looked wonderful. For a second I wished it weren't true. The Dr walked in and just the vibe he gave made me not like him. He was fine just not a dr tedford. So he did his flipping thru all the pics the nurse had already done of my sweet boy. Then checked a few things for himself. Then confirmed that Joseph had congenital diaphragmatic hernia. They took some amniotic fluid to check if it was a chromosome thing. If it was there was no chance for survival. If it wasn't his survival rate was 70/30, 60/40, or 50/50 all depending on how severe it would turn out to be. Then the nurse took us to a conference room. There the dr explained how serious it looked. What exactly it was, the differant types there are. They also set up my appointment with the surgeon. So much to process. We made a few stops then headed home. Of course there always has to be icing on the cake. We had almost made it home when pastor Dave pulled us over and informed us that the back tire was fixing to blow. He tried to change the flat but didn't know how to get the tire out from under the Yukon and I had no idea if there was even a jack in it. So he escorded us to what we thought to be a tire place but wasn't anymore. But the guy was nice and checked if he had a tire that would fit. He did. So we waited for him to change out the tire. I commented to Annie that it was a day to go home and cry my eyes out. She replied what for. That stunk:( she said we were blessed that pastor Dave had seen us and God would take care of us. I knew all of that but you still want to cry. The next day was isaiahs b-day we went to midland to mr gattis. It was a blast. Isaiah loved it. Afterward we went to moms for cake, batman of course. More to come.

May 2010:(

May had come and all,from my point of view anyway, was moving along great. I felt good, just very restless. We had an appointment with dr tedford and he was pleased by the heartbeat and how I measured. He ordered another sono which got scheduled for the 20. She made a few comments and the way she said them gave me the feeling all was not right. So I called the drs everyday to see if he had looked at it. Answer was always the same call back tomorrow. Finally on the 25 the nurse told me just come in and make him take the time to look at it. Mom was busy so I asked nancy to watch the kids for me and headed to brownfield. The way he walked into that room that day was so different then usual I just knew something was wrong. He said the baby has diaphragmatic hernia. This is when your diaphragm doesn't form properly. It's made to keep your digestive organs and chest organs separate. He told me to stay positive it could be wrong one never knows. But I knew, I tried to think maybe it wasn't so, but deep down I knew. They set up an appointment with dr Hales for the next day. I went to nancy's shared the news and got my kids and went home. Not knowing what tomorrow would bring.

April 2010

We had our first appointment with dr tedford. He ordered a sono. Which they schedule April 1. He looked so great, the tech didn't talk much which I knew meant something was wrong. Plus she didn't give pictures, she always got pictures for me. Love those first moments of seeing them in the womb. He was active and look good from what I could see. She sent me home and I waited for my appointment to see what was going on. The 15 I went in and dr tedford said I had a bloodclot on my cervix. He told me to take it easy and that's what I did. Margie one of my wonderful sisters stepped in and kept the house and sometimes the vehicles clean for me. Lisa another one of my wonderful sisters, did some yard work when Neil couldn't get to it. She also helped with bathing the kids. Mom helped with some of the cooking and sometimes laundry. So very blessed with my family. More to come:)

March

March was here I was feelin great. Not much was happening in our live just the usual everyday things. The only thing that wasn't so great was in the middle of the month. Me, mom and the kids went grocery shopping in Odessa. We were done so we all went to the bathroom before we went to checkout. I was feeling something was going to happen. So we went to checkout mom went first. Then it was my turn I put the things on, while I was waiting for the lady to finish. I could feel I was starting to leak and all I could think was lady hurry so I can make it to the bathroom. I hurried to the bathroom, got in the stall and there was a Cush of blood. Luckily i was able to get over the toilet only a few drops landed beside. All I had was one of clos diapers. In the car I put my sweater down first just in case. For the next 2 weeks I bled on and off . Did only what was necessary in housework. Just took it easy and waited for what I thought was coming next. It never happened so I made my first dr appointment. More to come:)

The Dream!!

So we just found out we are expecting number four:) Everything is still moving along great, I'm feelin better as the days pass. Then I have this dream... I had just had my baby it was a boy and he was so tiny. I remember seeing him laying there. Then I woke up. From that moment on I knew it was a boy, and I worried something might be wrong. But brushed it off, I mean it's only a dream right. When do our dreams show what might be coming. Now that I know makes me sad to the meaning of my dream last night. More to come tomorrow, kids asleep, now to shower and get to bed before midnight. Yay me:) Good night:)

The Beginning!!

Best place to start right;)I remember moments in December of 09 were I thought maybe 4 wouldn't be so bad. I mean it was 50/50 we would get another girl right:) Then we found out we would be getting a new little one from neils sister. I remember saying to her it's better you then me. If only I had known;)lol. So some weeks pass and I'm startin to notice I feel different. I knew before I even did the test. I was excited but not thrilled as I should have been. We told everyone right away. All was going great. Just a little morning sickness here an there. I of course started thinking how great a little girl would be for Chloe. Deep down I had a feeling that was not going to be the case. More to come:)

Hi:)

Just wanted to type a quick note. So much has gone on in our lives these past 18 or so months. Most of it I have bottled up as I always do and am hoping in doing this blog I will learn to express my self more. But also to find or help someone who has or is going thru some of the things I went thru. Lots of blogs coming up so keep checking:)