September 14 2010

One year ago today we were hanging out in the hospital, getting the cervadil patch to soften my cervix, so the induction would move along the next day. I was able to get some rest. Honestly I didn't think about the next day as much as I thought I would. At moments I feel bad that I didn't have more feelings or emotion about what was going on. Now I believe God kept my mind at ease so I could stay healthy and strong for my precious baby Joseph.

Thought today would be better...

I hoped I would wake up this morning and feel lighther, but then you get phone calls saying your Medicaid claim was denied again for the 3rd time and it all comes rushing back. Have so much to do today and no desire:( Feel like crawling under a rock and just wait for life to get easier, but thats not going to happen so we will turn the radio on, hopefully our klove station will work and get busy. God I love you and know that there is a purpose for all this. Please help me through my struggles today. Thank you for giving me one more day with my 3 silly monkeys and my mousey. Also for giving my husband another birthday:)

Break

I'm taking a little break tonight from telling joes story to write how I'm feeling at this moment. My heart feels as if an elephant were sitting on it. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I try so hard to be happy that I'm exhausted from it. I know that God will help me if I ask, but how can I ask him to help me when I have so much anger toward Him.
I'm anger because he took away my normal healthy baby. Joseph wasn't able to enjoy being a newborn, to feel the arms of his mommy around him, he couldn't be held close when he was hurting, we didn't get to bond like we should have. I feel as if I need to grieve. But don't know for what or why.
After I start feeling angry I feel guilty because I have a beautiful son who adores me, who is so content that you could forget he's there. Not to mention a wonderful husband who loves me and 3 other children who are healthy and adore me as well. Roller coaster of emotions day in and day out. Add to that the worry, fear and stress of this next surgery. Plus all the demands of a wife and mother. No wonder I feel so exhausted all the time. This made me feel better. Thanks for reading and be back to tell joes story soon.

July 2010

This month I started feeling things I hadn't or at least couldn't remember feeling in my other pregnancy. My heart rate would go up if I was up doing things I hadn't done in awhile. Traveling too was hard. We made one trip to Amarillo to go to a bar-b-que at a salesmens house. We wanted to head to Wellington to but we were a little worried about things. So we didn't go cause I experienced contraction like pains when we arrived in Amarillo. We didn't feel like taking a chance with joseph. We figured out his name this month: Joseph Samuel:) his surgeon loved it said he needed a strong name.We also went to see a cardiologist because the ob specialist was concerned about his heart. The cardiologist said his heart looked good:) More to come:)

June 2010

June brought lots of dr visits one of which was with the surgeon that would be performing the surgery. She went over all the details with us. The only major question I had was how long would he be in the hospital. She told us minimum was one month. The last case she had was there for six weeks. So we were hopeful that ours would be that or maybe even less. It was also the month I turned 25. Spent the whole summer trying to enjoy my pregnancy, and spend time with my other 3 kiddos. We also made a trip to Wellington. Great month:)